You should come back as my majority leader.
No, thanks.
When this term is up...
I'm out of politics.
I own most of the land around here.
But what I don't own, I need the state to grab under eminent domain.
What if the stale agreed to pay double the appraised value of the land
- inside the eminent domain zone'? - What would you say...
If I could deliver double the assessed value
on all your land inside the eminent domain zone?
Cassie and I split up.
I'm sorry, Decco. I am.
Janakowskifis gonna know he's being set up.
Hookin' a mark's like doin' a cha-cha. Two steps forward and one step back.
You got some splainin' to do.
Colin decked me.
What happened?
No, it was an accident.
I think he's fucking Kath.
- Colin wouldn't do that. - I know.
Look at this shit!
Fuckin' piles of shit!
Everywhere!
I've never seen so much shit in one place!
- What are you doing? - Fuck!
Ever wonder why we don't have people over to the house?
We don't have people over because you don't have any friends.
- And you don't like mine. - We don't have people
'cause it's a fuckin' embarrassment, that's why! It's a fuckin' pigsty!
- Then why don't you hire a maid? - You'd like that, wouldn't ya'!
You'd sit on your fuckin' skinny ass all day.
My mother worked every day of her life, but her house was neat as a pin!
Your mommy is a fucking anal-retentive shrew
who couldn't hold onto a man.
- What did you say'? - You heard me.
My mother is a fuckin' saint compared lo you!
Then go worship her.
And don't come back!
The kid at the counter recommended that one.
It's about a man who falls in love with a blow-up doll.
Not the dirty type of blow-up doll.
- I don't feel much like a movie. - Well, there's a last one.
Love in the time of...
cholera?
It's not the greatest title, but...
Kath finally throw you out, huh'?
No. Of course not.
I just need a good night's sleep.
I'll see you in the morning. I'm crashin' out.
Not upstairs, you're not.
That's Colin's room now.
It's OK. I'll sleep on the couch.
You'll do no such thing.
Michael can sleep on the couch.
Sheets for the couch are in the lower shelf of the linen closet.
He's downstairs on the couch. What happened'!
He went fuckin' nuts. That's what happened.
Did he say anything...
about...
What would he say? We haven't done anything.
Right...
I think he knows something.
There's nothin' (o know.
Right?
Don't worry.
Shut the fuck up up there!
I want the roof to extend over the entire porch.
The pitch needs to be lowered a little.
It's kind of Hansel and Gretel at the moment.
Can you make those changes and fax 'em over to me?
- Busy? - Never loo busy for you, Mr. Speaker.
I need to tap into your knowledge bank.
I know you gut one fool out the door, but the taxpayers are still paying you.
What do you need?
Hanley and Fratelli.
I need both their votes to get the budget passed.
But both of them want funding for their districts to get bridge repair.
And you've only got money for one bridge.
So I offered both of them half funding for two years. Both said no.
They both go! elections to win.
So, what do I do?
I don't know. Flip a coin.
You know what?
I should've trusted my instincts, not bothered you with it.
Take 'em both out for a steak dinner...
together.
Let Hanley choose the wine, he considers himself a connoisseur...
and don't talk business with Fratelli until he finishes his third martini.
After that, you'll find him much more friendly.
- That's it'? - That's it.
You're the man with the answers, Tommy Caffee.
There are no deals goin' down on the waterfront.
Is there somethin' about me that looks stupid?
I'm tellin' ya. Tommy and Don-Don have decreed it.
Caffee and the Speaker Donatello
have declared absolutely no deals on the waterfront?
Why would they go and do somelhin' like that?
That's above my pay grade.
Speculate.
Because they're greedy pigs.
Tommy cuts a sweetheart deal with Bob Meara.
Pays double the appraised value of the land
seized under eminent domain.
Why would he cut such a terrible deal for the slate
unless he's getlin' a piece of the action?
Here you go.
That's on us.
Ten of the parcels
that were seized by eminent domain...
were owned...
by some company,
5.5.0. Holdings.
Wail a minute.
- That ring a bell? - Yeah, I remember that.
Right here.
Just a minute.
Here it is.
It's a holding company controlled by Alfonse Nozzoli.
The house leadership rigs a deal...
that directly benefits the state's biggest mafioso'?
It's a deal brokered by Torn Caffee.
Yeah, and Bob Meara.
Fuckin' Tom Caffee, keepin' the waterfront clean. That's bullshit.
All right, so we got Torn Caffee,
Mouse Noun“...
and Bob Mama's the missin' link.
You see they passed this law in Colorado?
You can use the bathroom you want
based on the sex you think you should've been born.
What the hell's that mean?
Some fruitcake wants to be a broad but he can't afford the operation,
he can go to the girls' room.
I want his ass in the women's bathroom, so that's a good law.
You all right there, boss?
I got a crick in my neck.
What if I wanna use the women's room?
You can't. You're happy with the sex you were horn.
Cop's gonna tell that by lookin' at me?
He)', how many?
Gimme two.
You remember you're supposed to meet Nozzoli in a half an hour?
Don't need you to be my calendar.
Well, we better get goin', because the radio says 195's backed up.
Finish your game. Freddie's drivin' me today. Freddie, let's go.
I'm playin' cards.
What's with all this new age bullshit?
They're fuckin' robins, you know?
They're not flyin' lo my yard from the lost continent of Atlantis.
Why don't you buy one of those'?
Put a Si. Francis statue next to it. They'll cancel each other out.
You got him well trained.
So what am I doin' here'? What do you want?
My guys aren't getting any construction contracts on the waterfront.
The word is that your brother's on some kind of moral high horse
about keeping the waterfront squeaky-clean.
- What's that got to do with me'? - Don't waste my time, OK?
Do you really expect me to believe
that your brother's not giving out jobs to you and your mick cronies?
You can believe whatever you want.
Exceptin' what you gave me, I got no part of the waterfront action.
I know callin' you a liar at this point
would probably be counterproductive.
So instead, I'm gonna politely ask you...
to tell your brother that he needs to open up the tap,
so people beside you can wet their beaks.
My beak... is bone fuckin' dry.
My brother's got nothin' to do with me, and I got nothin' to do with him.
You're not gonna deliver on this for me?
K's no! that I won't...
but I can't.
Any birdbaths for birds that don't look like they need their fortunes told?
- Turnin' down Nozzoli, was a mistake. - To hell with Nozzoli.
The man doesn't wanna believe the truth when he hears it, I can't help him.
You could've shine him on, said you'd make an effort.
I should quiver in my boots as well?
Maybe piss my pants?
Fuck him.
I know how the guy's mind works. He's a prick.
Bow and scrape a bit, he doesn't lake it so personal when you tell him no.
I get this ball in the hole, the volcano goes off. I get a free game.
Free game!
I'm not explaining (his well.
Every time you sell a pill to one of your golf in' customers,
I gel five bucks. Right'? I gave you 300 pills.
- That's 1,500 bucks. - That's what I gave you.
That's 1,200 bucks.
You either cough up the rest
or I'm gonna take six putters and shove 'em up your ass.
And then I'm gonna wrap you around the windmill.
He's right, Moe.
1,500. R's all there.
Let me see it.
Excuse me, sweetheart? Could we get two cappuccinos, please?
Just for him. Check for me.
You...
Tum Caffee and Alfonse Nozzoli, huh?
- "Mind if I sit down? Mayljoin you?" - You're bent.
I know you're bent.
You know you're bent.
Alfonse Nozzoli knows you're bent, because you're in his fuckin' pocket.
I'm gonna write down your badge number.
Sure. It's right there.
Then, I'm gonna go back lo my office
and file a complaint with your commanding officer.
See, I don't have a commanding officer.
I'm head of a freelance task force,
so that gives me the authority to fuck with who I want
when I want.
We all have to answer to somebody.
You know, I actually don't need you to tell me anything.
See, all I need...
is for that guy sittin' over there...
See him?
The guy in the blue shirt.
The one giving you the stink eye ever since I sat down.
I just need him to see us together, because...
he's gonna go report that to Nozzoli...
which, unfortunate for you...
is gonna give Nozzoli the impression that you're talkin' to the cops.
- Even if you're not. - Here's your cappuccino.
Just the check.
Thank you.
I have a committee meeting in 10 minutes.
After that...
I'm gonna call the head of the slate police and gel you suspended.
Enjoy the rest of your afternoon.
I said shut the fuck up!
Are you kiddin' me?
Can I help you?
I'm tryin' to do some work downstairs.
Right, captain. Sorry, captain. I was just practicing my close order drill.
- You just keep it down, OK? - You got it, captain.
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me.
I'm not crazy.
I'm a reenaclor. Civil War.
Seventh Virginia, under major General George E. Pickett.
I don't wanna hear anybody orderin' chicken
unless they're orderin' steak and lobster at the same time.
None of this fixed price menu bullshit or two appetizers... Thank you.
Pick yourself out a nice bottle of wine.
- We don't need a whole bottle. - Don't do the nice stuff by the glass.
This is terribly fancy, Michael.
It's not every day a man take out the most beautiful women in his life
- and spoil them rotten. - Hear, hear.
- Anything you like there? - Not at these prices.
Will ya...
Please, don't worry about the prices, OK?
As far as you're concerned, the prices don't exist.
Marty.
See that nice family over there'?
Send them over a bottle of champagne.
- Tell 'em it's from me. - We have a very nice Veuve Clicquol.
- The house is good. - Right away.
It ain't like they're fuckin' family, right'?
Excuse me.
This is a gift from the gentleman in the corner.
Is that...
SOMEONE YOU...
- work with'! - No, it's a friend...
just payin' his respects.
Domestic.
It was nice anyway, huh?
He sees I'm with my family.
Cheapest one on the list.
- Let me see that. - 32.50.
Maybe they only had domestic.
Doesn't look like he's drinkin' domestic.
Domestic champagne gives me a headache.
There you are, ma'am.
None for me.
- And you, sir. - Thank you.
- And you, ma'am. - Thank you.
And there you are, sir.
I see the crib finally made it out of the box.
And (he box made it out to the trash.
So maybe by the time the baby's in 1st grade,
- he'll actually have a place to sleep? - I'd say kindergarten at the latest.
Tommy, we've really got to get it put together.
- You wanna do it right now? - Not really.
Don't worry. It'll be built by the time you start having contractions.
- Promise we can do it tomorrow? - Absolutely.
You know how much money I make for that prick'!
And he sends my family the cheapest bottle of fucking champagne on the menu.
- Better to send nothing. - 'Cause it's not only cheap, it's bad.
I drank some of that stuff on New Years, it's like drinkin' Cabernet with piss.
Maybe Nozzoli doesn't know champagne.
It's French, what does he know from France?
When you find where his mother lives, send her a bottle of lasti spermati.
- What's his mother done to anybody? - No, no.
How about this? I send him a bottle... No, I send him a fuckin' case
of that champagne that the rappers drink, the $400 a bottle shit,
with a big bow on top. Teach him some fuckin' manners.
Yeah, Colin. Delivery boy.
Gel a case over to Nozzoli, fast as you can.
Me? No fuckin' way. He'd pop me on principle.
And make sure it gets there before cocktail hour.
And gel yourself somewhere else to sleep tonight.
I'm not sleepin' on that fuckin' couch again.
I'm glad I caught you. I wanted lo thank you.
I am taking Hanley and Fralelli to McCormick and Schmick's for dinner.
And I was thinking, maybe you could join us.
I know. But I swear. It's the last thing I'm gonna ask you to do.
You don't need me. You need 3 T-bones, 9 martinis and a bottle of Pauillac.
It's not gonna be that easy.
It took 3 songs and a dance to get 'em to agree on a restaurant.
It's a free dinner, and all I ask is you work the Tommy Caffee magic on 'em.
You've always been better at this than I am.
I've never known you to plead insecurity.
Need a hand get-tin' this budget passed. Then I let you sail off into retirement.
I'll be there.
Rezie's at 6:00. At home to Eileen by 10:00.
So I didn't get suspended.
Does that mean we're talkin'?
If you'd step away from the car, please.
Are you too stupid to be afraid? Is that it?
I haven't done anything wrong.
You know, they all say that.
They all end up dead too!
This isn't gonna work.
It will if you sell it.
Just scare the piss out of him.
Use your best mob voice.
Walk outta your house.
Walk out the front fuokin' door of your house.
Someone you don't wanna piss off.
Come outside now.
- I think he's comin'. - Keep it up.
If you scare him bad enough, he'll talk. If he talks...
Then the whole v'? business comes down. I know.
Here he comes.
You see me?
I'm right here.
I'm watching you.
I know when you're sleepin' and I know when you're awake.
And I know when you're schmoozing with cops.
Like the good old days, ma, huh?
Except in the good old days, I could remember what was in the cupboards.
Yeah, well, Colin reorganized 'em.
I don't understand. Why isn't he comin' home for his dinner?
- Where's he goin' to sleep tonight? - Don't worry about him.
He's got stuff to do. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself.
Don't you think that you can throw him out
just because you decide you want your bed back.
Look, this was his idea.
He told me we should spend some quality time together.
I just fuckin' rememorized all this.
- Watch your language, mister! - Sorry. Sorry.
- What are you lookin' for'? - Just a servin' plate.
I stopped by Hennesey's on the way home.
Fresh-baked croissants. They're still warm.
I can't.
They give me heartburn this late in the day.
We'll slick 'em in the fridge. We'll have 'em for breakfast.
Don't bother. I'm watchin' my girlish figure.
Just make the tea, would ya?
The tea...
is in the pantry.
Honestly, you're no use to me at all. I might as well do everything myself.
Now, if colin were here,
I could relax.
"Lemon berry breeze"?
What happened to good old Lipton's'! Irish breakfast?
Here. Open this, would you?
Lid's too tight.
The lid's not tight, ma.
You okay? Something wrong with your hand?
Just give me a damn biscotti.
Give me a biscotti, OK?
We talking today?
We already had that conversation.
I thought you would've had a change of heart.
What about you and your friend Nozzoli?
Everything hunky-dory between the two of you?
Because if it's not, I'm the only helping hand you got.
I'm not interested.
Are you out of your mind?
This is over the line. I mean it.
I'm no! kiddin'.
If you wanna go down this road, that's your business. I'm out.
That's fine.
Fuckin' pussy.
You tell that scassacazzo
I wouldn't fill my fuckin' birdbath with his champagne.
- He thinks you disrespected his mother. - Fuck him!
Now on, he wants to deal with me, he does it through you.
You're his fuckin' ambassador.
Al, no disrespect. I can'! do that.
Not that I blame you. Michael's fuckin' nuts.
But... he's also runnin' the show.
Chain of command's chain of command.
You gonna stay loyal to him?
You want me to put my head in a noose because you're pissed off?
There's no law sayin' the Irish have to have a presence in Rhode Island.
Either he talks through you,
or he doesn't talk at all.
I've got a meeting tonight. Can you pick up takeout from that Indian place?
I can't. I got a dinner thing with Don-Don.
Thanks for letting me know.
He sprang it on me at the last minute.
I won't be late.
I thought we were gonna finally get the crib put together.
We'll do it this weekend.
Since David's got the tougher reelection race this year,
he gets to build his bridge. Next year, you can build yours in South Kingston.
You want me to go back to my constituents with nothing?
K's... Victor.
Another martini for Rep. Fratelli.
You got any of those regular olives? No more of the blue cheese ones.
How do you feel about parks?
Say 10,000 to refurbish the Alonso street playground.
On top of which, we can find a few thousand more
to save the Tiger Beetle campaign.
Which your wife mentioned at the 4th of July picnic.
You'd do that?
We'll make it part of the wetlands initiative.
"Save the Tiger Beetle"?
We're not saving anything. We're letting him tell his wife
he got money for the Tiger Beetle fund, which in turn will get him laid.
Ii is amazing how good you are at this.
Happy to be of service.
Now, if I could just get the rest of these reps in line.
- Wanna take a look at this? - Not if you don't need me.
I don't need you.
I could use you, but I don't need you.
Give me the list.
This bastard...
Honey, it's me.
I'm sorry I'm late. The Speaker was just...
Who did this?
I did.
I thought we were gonna do it this weekend.
Now your weekend's free.
- How was your dinner? - Well, dinner was okay, but...
I was gonna put it together.
Now you can do the changing table and get the diaper genie
and all the rest of it.
I've just been busy at work.
So have I.
Except when I'm at my desk, our son reminds me he's there
by playing Xylophone on my ribs.
For Christ's sakes, Tommy, we haven't even talked about names.
If the kid's not gonna have stuff, at least we could give him a name.
I got it.
I'm not the enemy.
Who is it?
Hold on a second. I'm comin'.
Hey, captain. I just...
I just wanna apologize for disturhin' you before like I did.
Yeah, I'm kind of busy.
Me loo.
Captain?
This is for you.
At ease.
You're a lucky man.
So if I'd started my car...
No, you would think, but...
the explosive was actually triggered by a cell phone.
It seems like Nozzoli's guys learned a thing or two
from our insurgent friends in Iraq.
Excuse me a minute.
Tell me what I have to do to protect my family.
I know you're doin' me a favor, but...
couldn't we have met at a bar or somethin'?
I got a wife on the Warpath. You wanna give me a hand'?
Are you goin' for the Jack Kennedy look here?
It's not a rockin' chair. It's a glider.
It's a present for Eileen to sit in while she's nursing.
You ready?
Be careful.
You look a! my budget problem?
You don't have the numbers you think you do.
You've counted... Calibrisi, and you can'! count his vote.
He'll say you got it, but the 11th hour he'll hang you out lo dry.
As for getting Bianchi on the train,
he owes Charlie Ingram a favor over the milk label bill.
So if you get Ingram, you gel Bianchi.
And you get Ingram...
by giving his assistant an extra personal day.
Why?
- They sleepin' together? - He wishes they were.
Then you can get...
Maguire and Zurilli by agreeing to their L.N.G. proposal.
You ready?
L.N.G.
I will take full credit for your insight at the...
leadership retreat on Saturday.
What time is it?
- What do you care? - In case you need help with Zurilli.
I can'! have you at the retreat. I'm using it to...
pump up whoever I anoint as your successor.
I don't want the troops to see you
and just remind I haven't got anyone half as good as you.
Watch your hands here. Lift!
Watch your step.
What do you think?
- You bought a glider? - You're gonna love it.
It's really comfortable.
- Where's the other stuff? - We'll gel it this weekend.
Look at this.
Or...
next weekend, or the weekend after that.
What unforgivable sin have I committed now?
We don't need a glider.
We need a changing table,
and a diaper genie and a bouncy seat.
How the baby's gonna need that tonight?
You could've bought everything on that list, but you bought one thing.
A chair.
Where I'm gonna be sitting alone in the middle of the night
with a crying baby while you sleep the sleep of the dead
'cause you've got an early meeting or a caucus or a vote.
I bought it for us.
When did you suddenly grow boobs?
There are such things as bottles, you know?
That's right. Where are they'? Did you buy any?
I didn't know what type to get.
We've had three children, and you can't remember what brand we use?
Playtex Ventaire.
They sell 'em at Target.
I was gonna head out, unless you need me.
Why would I need you'?
Where'd you sleep last night?
Tommy and Eileen's.
I'll tell you what. Kath wants me back. She's...
She needs me, you know'? The kids, whatnot. So...
You can have your upstairs room back.
Kath wants you back?
She's a needy cunt. But what you gonna do?
You better tell Rose.
She'll be upset. She loves havin' you at home.
That's all right. You tell her.
Good night then.
You havin' a good time?
Just waitin' for the ice cream sandwiches.
Goddamn Joe Flannery.
Him and his thrift store bow tie.
That light-ass prick wouldn't pay 10c to keep an honest man from hangin',
much less vote an extra 20 grand for school lunches.
None of this is your problem anymore, is it?
You're doin' a smart thing.
Steppin' down.
It's like runnin' a kindergarten.
You remember that guy that sat between you and me our first term?
Remember him'! What was his name?
You know who.
Whispered in my ear, tell me what was gonna happen before it happened.
Not 'cause anybody told him.
He just knew how all these machinations worked.
What was his name?
Anyway...
he's probably playin' golf,
laughin' at the likes of us siltin' here till the wee hours.
Probably.
Nice QUY-
Stall.
Excuse me'?
You gotta stall. You're not gonna get Flannery until at least 11:00.
When his wife starts calling every 20 min to see when he's coming home.
Anything else?
Turn the air conditioner off.
That...
documentary about the penguins starts in a few minutes.
Lovely.
Unless you'd planned to watch somelhin' else.
I had no plans...
except to welcome you home.
Motion to close debate on H.R. 12557, house arm of the budget package
has been offered and seconded.
Membership will have 5 minutes lo cast their votes on the bill.
Unlock the machine.
Halloran.
That was the guy's name that sat between us.
Halloran.
Think I heard that he put together a web site of Rhode Island wildflowers.
Won some award or somethin'.
Who'd you get to replace me?
You're leavin'?
What do you think of Campbell?
You hate it.
No, I think it's a good name... for a soup.
Billy?
Kevin?
Tommy junior?
My son's havin' his own name.
There's always "hey-youJhere-in-that-crib".